Should he father a child for a friend?

Should he father a child for a friend?

Topic Author: Christine Bellport

Posted: 2:30 PM May 10, 2008

Replies Posted: 15 comments

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Should he father a child for a friend?

Gay. Yes, Erick is gay.

There are several issues here which I am sure will bring a strong reaction either way. Please understand that I screen every post before it sees the light of day. I appreciate *all* opinions (and will post yours), but you must be respectful & not use slander.

I have been thinking about this all week since Erick gave me the news that he is planning to father a child through science for a woman he has known for most of his life. He knows that I am writing this blog. And no, the woman is not me!

The woman had an 8-year old daughter who died from a pancreatic disease about 2 years ago. She is divorced but financially stable and is finishing her PHD. She may get remarried at some point, but she would like another child now. They would do this in a few months after she gets on prenatal vitamins, etc.

Erick sees this as an opportunity to have a child he might not otherwise have. From what Erick has told me, his parents seem supportive. Her parents are as well. Both families, including the mother-to-be are in Illinois. Erick is in Madison.

Erick was so excited when he told me the news, but I did ask some pretty hard questions of him.

They will draw up legal papers so that he cannot one day sue for sole custody or even take the child for 50-50 custody. The papers will also protect him so that she cannot come after him for child support. However, she told Erick that he can be involved as much or as little as he would like. She told Erick, whatever he chooses to do, he must be consistent. He cannot be in the child's life intensely for a period of time and then just disappear. Erick plans to move to Texas in about 2 years for his career.

This issue for me is not that he is gay, but that he will father a child and not truly be in that child's life. He is a kind, sensitive person and I wonder if that will be possible for him. He has admitted to me that he is not sure (or has even decided) what kind of a relationship he will have with his biological child.

With that said, I look forward to hearing from you as I am still processing the news myself.

Christine

Posted by: For Kevin Location: Madison
Kevin, You jumped to too many conclusions. Try reading the blog entry again please. This is a good friend of mine. I mention he is gay only because I want it clear that there is no chance for the mother and the father of the child to be together. Where did I say it was impossible to raise a child without a man? You really should read the blog again without the chip on your shoulder.

Posted by: Kevin How sad that Christine is fostering the notion that it is impossible to raise a child without a man in your life. There are at least 50% of families where there is only one parent present for the child-raising. True, it may be harder, but it is becoming the norm. Your comments (and vailed homo-phobia) belie a meanspirited person. How sad that you have a platform to present what you have not checked out first. Is this what they teach in journalism school?

Posted by: Joe Location: Madison
I think there are too many unknowns for this. For your friend Erick, someday he may be in Texas, thinking: "Well, I have a daughter up in Wisconsin....I wonder how she turned out????" I think this would kill me. The son or daughter may blame Erick for everything that "goes wrong," because Erick is not there. Other topic....what really bothers me is how expensive it is to adopt a child. Too bad some of us, who cannot have our own, bio children, cannot have our own, adopted children, without mortgaging ourselves to the hilt. There are probably a million kids right now in China who need parents, and it costs what, $25k (?) for an adoption. Thanks for bloggin'

Posted by: Danielle Location: Madison
I know Erick and I know he will be the best of Dads if he chooses to go forth with this. Best of Luck Erick, Your good looking so you need to pass them genes on!

Posted by: Alan Location: Lake Delton
I can only say from my own life, but not having a dad around growing up was very hard, and if one knows a head of time that will be the case, well I do not think it is fair to the child! I have live a very messed up life, and I would hate to see that happen at all when there is no need for it at all. We all have needs and wants, but wants never come before needs, and the childs needs come first!

Posted by: Kerry Location: Madison
I don't think it would be a good decision. Sure as an adult there are things we WANT but to bring a child into this world without 2 parents in the picture at all times is asking for disaster. Just look at what divorce does to our kids these days and we wonder why there is so much termoil amung our children these days. I think parents should wake up and smell the coffee and stop doing things out of selfish ambition and put their kids and spouse before their own wants. In this case I believe for the child it would be in your best interest not to move forward with this decision.

Posted by: Don Location: Arlington
I could NEVER do that. I miss my son so much it hurts. After my divorce I moved back to Wisconsin for financial reasons. It is absolutely heartbreaking having him so far away. If he really is a sensitive guy this will hurt him a lot in years to come. I couldn't do what he might do. If it works for him great but I really believe he might regret it someday. Not having the child just not being in his or hers life.

Posted by: Sandy Location: Madison
TO CHRIS: There is nothing wrong with growing up with only one parent. I only had a father (my mother chose not to be in the picture) and I have no ill effects from not having a mother. Maybe a child does deserve two loving parents, but not getting that isn't the worst thing! A single parent can raise a child just as well as married parents can. Its about HOW you raise the child... not how many people do it with you.

Posted by: Tracie Location: Madison
Hi Christine! This could bring on a long, thought provocing and interesting discussion. I do know Erick also, as he told me of your blog. With that said, I do believe Erick would be consistent in his decision, as he is a caring person. I also believe he's placed a lot of thought into it. Sexual preference is not an issue here but, the childs life is. Having 2 people want to create a life is a GREAT start versus, what happens more often than I would like, unwanted, neglected children. However, parenthood brings along very strong, real feelings that Erick has not had yet. That could ultimately change his original plan of his involvement. That brings another issue, grandparents! What will Erick's parents role be in this child life? Hopefully, that has been addressed. Also, heaven forbid something happen to his female friend having the baby, custody issues there? I think Erick and his childhood friend will make the right decision. I wish him the best! He is good looking

Posted by: Chris Location: Madison
The conclusion I have heard often in this situation is the mother might be considered selfish to bring a child into this world without a father just because she wants a child. Yes she might have the financial ability to give the child material things but especially if the child turns out to be male the child will miss out by not having a father. Hate to be so conservative here but a believe a child deserves two loving parents, not one probably selfish mother.

Posted by: John Location: Portage
Again, the moral values of liberal Madison rule the day. Of course they shouldn't do it! I agree with Ted's second point. Where does it end? Is this what we consider social progress? Selfish on both ends. Woman's "gotta have it now," guy's "hey look at me, I can pro-create but want nothing to do with the kid" = disaster for the child! Where are people's heads now a days? We wonder where the moral fabric of society has gone....all of us better look in the mirror and do some soul searching. (Doing whatever we feel like because it satisfies our selfish needs is not liberal, advanced, or progress...it's BS!!!)

Posted by: Ted Location: Janesville
This situation poses two very differant thoughts to me. First I say good for them. A strong woman taking control of her life and a man , gay or not, feeling compassion to help with her dream. But, I am also a little old school. I am really tired of this new gotta have it right now attitude. See a car, buy it. See a boat, buy it. Want a child, get it. I fear that this type of behavior goes against my moral beliefs that to start a family you should go the route of two loving parents in love with each other, then have a child raised on the love and support of both parents. we have far two many singal parent families and children who live wondering where their father is. This tends to bring on a tradition of single parent families within that family. my ex thinks she brought my daughter into the world by herself. Where does it end No more marrige? Just my thoughts. I think we are messing with some of the last bits of tradition here and it will come back to haunt us one day.

Posted by: Sara Location: Madison
I have to say that I support this idea in theory, but I wonder about the impact it will have on the child's life. In your blog you say that Erick is excited to have a child he might not otherwise have, but then you go on to say that Erick is not sure about what kind of relationship he will have with the child. This to me says that there needs to be a LOT more thought given to this proposal (by both parties) because being a parent is a pretty big responsibility, and once you choose to become a parent it's a lifetime commitment. So just because you really like the idea of producing a child you may not otherwise be able to have, that doesn't mean it's the best idea for all parties involved. It sounds like your friends may have talked about this a little already, but I think it bears much more consideration. I still think what they are thinking about doing is a good idea, but they should proceed with lots of caution.

Posted by: Sandy Location: Madison
Whatever happens, I wish them all the best of luck. The most important thing is that the child knows he/she is loved. Growing up with one parent or two doesn't make a difference as long as that child is safe, well cared for, and feels loved. I grew up without a mother, but had all the love in the world from my father. I turned out great! :) Good Luck!!

Posted by: Paul The only real problem I see is if he moves to Texas the child would want to know why the father is not around. Although there are children conceived via sperm banks and the father is never known This case would be different since the father is somebody known to the mother. Every family is different parents together, divorced, gay or straight. As long as the child is loved and feels loved by both parents everything else should work out.