You're getting married. Stop texting me!

You're getting married. Stop texting me!

Topic Author: Christine Bellport

Posted: 4:34 PM May 19, 2008

Replies Posted: 36 comments

Save

del.icio.us

Google

Yahoo

digg

Recent Blog Topics

The W. Movie by Oliver Stone

What do you think of these Palin/Clinton cartoons?

School Dress Codes...how sad.

Athletes are not heroes. Not even close.

Sick of Favre

What OBAMA said to God

Post Your Comments

You're getting married. Stop texting me!

Hello,

Jaw-dropping. But I shouldn't be surprised anymore. I really shouldn't. I will get to me in a moment.

My dear friend suspected her boyfriend of one year (now ex) was cheating. She just knew it in her gut but he told her nothing was going on and blamed it on her depression. One night he was particularly evasive on the phone. She borrowed her friend's car, put on a hat and sunglasses and parked near his home. My friend and I now laugh at the thought of this! However, GOOD FOR HER. Within the hour on her "stake out", a woman came to pick him up! When they stopped, she calmly confronted him and said good-bye. She thought he was with this particular woman on the side so he was not just hanging out with a female friend in case you are trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. The sad thing is, her son really liked him. That is disappointing and I know it bothers her. It wasn't a one time thing either. I will leave it at that.

Another friend of mine learned last year that her husband of many years has been cheating on her with HER FRIEND. Some friend, huh? They have children together and now she is faced with uncertainty.

I don't just blame the men here. What is wrong with these women who are helping these men cheat on their wives or girlfriends? Aren't we suppose to play on the Pink Team, girls? How can you do something that will break another woman's heart? Having said that, I also know that women can be big cheaters, too. I just happen to have mostly women friends so I only hear about men cheating.

I received an email about a month ago from someone I used to date a long, long time ago. He told me he is getting married. Good for him. But then he brought up how much fun we used to have and asked to see me. This past weekend, he text me to go out Saturday night and that he would come to town to see me! No dear optimists, this guy was not interested in having tea with me. And no, I did not see him!

Maybe it is cold feet and he is acting crazy because the wedding date is nearing. I just keeping thinking of his bride-to-be getting so excited to get married. When I am truly in love, there is no room for anyone else...especially an ex. I feel so bad. I wonder if he thinks that this would not be cheating UNTIL he is married. Which is still so wrong. Some of my friends want me to find her and tell her (I can't) while others think I should have at least given him a piece of my mind over text. I did nothing but try to get him to think about his wedding by asking when is it, where will it be held, etc. Was that enough?

Christine

Posted by: Tommy Location: Savannah,Ga
Christine, how is it going,hope things are going well, I take it that Madison is a great place to live, better than San Deigo

Posted by: Wanda Location: IL
Christine seems like this guy doesn't think very much of you. Doesn't seem he meant any infidelity or disrespect for you. . . he was just horny and thought you were fair game. I'd bust his butt.

Posted by: AnnN Location: Madison
When I was living in Indianapolis my college roommate's husband was there on business. At her encouragement I met him for dinner. Afterwards he accompanied me in a cab to my car. In the back seat of the cab he proceeded to try and shove his tongue down my throat. I was absolutely appalled. I did not feel like I could tell her (for reasons too long to explain). What the heck was the matter with him? I was her friend! On another more recent occasion I was at a family event and met the husband of a very good family friend. He worked in the same general vicinity where I worked in a large city so with her encouragement I made plans with him for lunch. At some point during the lunch there was a very uncomfortable vibe (maybe something he said, I don't remember). At that point I asked him what the heck he thought he was doing and did he really think that I would betray a long-time family friend for some schmuck that I had just met? BTW, both couples are now divorced....

Posted by: David How sad to hear a respected member of the community spreading distrust and repeating tales of failed relationships in the name of attracting readers. For a sharp journalist, I expected more from you. Shame on your management for permitting this kind of sideshow in the name of Blogging.

Posted by: Don Location: Arlington
I think Alvin is right. besides me and Debbie getting a room! LOL What is your next blog? Curious minds want to know what going on in that pretty head of yours.

Posted by: Don Location: A
When? Where? Maybe...............

Posted by: Alvin Location: Robertson
I think we need t oget Don and Debbie a room. Next topic Christine!!!

Posted by: Don Location: Arlington
Just wondering, do woman do the same thing? Maybe they just keep it more quiet. Where is that parade anyways?

Posted by: Kelli Location: Waunakee
I was recently contacted (IM and text) by a man I used to date. He told me he was getting married this year, and after I congratulated him, he actually asked me to get together for "one last time". I was stunned, and felt so bad for his fiance. I told him "absolutely NOT" and urged him to be faithful to his fiance, but he kept trying to convince me to meet him. I had to stop taking his messages. I don't believe that all men are pigs...... but this one definitely IS!!

Posted by: Debbie Don, Thank you. I've made so many mistakes in a relationship that I hope I've learned something and happy to share with great hope to help others! :) I'd like you to be in my parade Don. Cheers for Don, whatever you do. Just for you! I met Robert Redford once and still waiting for him to call- I know, it's a little over the top but I just think he's fabulous and he held my hand!

Posted by: Don Location: Arlington
Debbie is 100% correct!!

Posted by: Debbie I know people who just want to get married and the rest is just fair game. People hook up all the time and go in and out of relationships. They think nothing of it. Maybe someone will marry them eventually but doesn't speak to what marriage is about. Committment and building a solid base. Crazy how some people can let go of others so easily and quickly. Like they have no deep feelings and whatever....on to the next. Or they are with someone because of "status" or celebrity type. The "title" does not make the person. Who I am is on the inside and you have to spend time with me to see that. Wouldn't it be great if we had parades for ordinary everyday people- yeah, the landscaper, cheers for the stock clerk, wahoo for the pizza delivery gal, yippee it's the phone order operator, right 'on to the realtor, hey, it's a meat packer......just a thought about getting real in relationships :) Tired of all the "I'm better than you and gonna keep lookin' past you" attitudes. Horray for

Posted by: Nicole If you really did want to bust this guy with the text messages you can call your phone company and have them sent to you, I have done this on when I was wondering once. Thank goodness for me it was all in my head and nothing was going on, but had it been I would have wanted to know. I really think that you should let this women know.

Posted by: Kevin Location: Sun Prairie
Hi Christine. I have to agree with Mike. Not all men are pigs.I also am a divorced, straight guy who has a high set of values. I think both men and women are forgetting the golden rule of "do unto others..." If they are unhappy in a relationship then they should get out and then start looking. What is missing in most cases is mutual respect and honesty.

Posted by: Deb Location: Beaver Dam
Yes, you did the right thing. She knows what kind of man she is marrying and chooses to do it anyway. Believe me, this has been going on forever and will continue.

Posted by: jay Location: portage
To Karl, I would think if Christine says anything, she should just present the facts, and not additional opinions or commentary. let the guy's girlfriend take it from there. (even if it means she does nothing...that's her issue then)

Posted by: Karl Location: Madison
My wife had a fling. I found out by "reading signs" and putting 2 2 together. I know that I would not have wanted "a friend" to tell me the dirty secret. It is better that I found out "on my own" and that I don't have to associate any others into this. At least, that's me. And now, I don't want to hear anybody say, "I knew, I just didn't want to tell you...." People should just never tell me anything about it. The ultimate bad is someone saying "you should have never married her....." Guess what.....I still love her. I really don't want to know what others think about my sex life (even though it is record bad).

Posted by: Mike Location: Madison
Most people won't agree with this, but I don't think most guys are pigs. There seems to be this idea that all men are total jerks until they marry a morally superior woman. I'm single, straight, and am a pretty nice guy. I agree that women have better morals than men. However, as Ted mentioned, society likes for guys to be like we are. Aren't women always attracted to the "bad boy" at least some time in their life, on some level? Despite that, there are some decent, interesting guys out there. You just have to give people a chance.

Posted by: Ted Location: Janesville
Hi Christine, Men as a whole are pigs. I know, I was. WAS. When I met the right lady, life changed. Didn't want to go out prowling. I think your right but then again I always do! Sometimes I think women make more of a situation than it is but since I stick with my first comment, you have good reason. My wife trusts me more with here friends than any of my so called friends. Remember, I was nervous about giving you a harmless compliment a month ago. Some women don't realize that men can be friendly with women and not do the nasty but that has been how we have been programed in our morally deficiant society. Just turn on any station at any time. Nothing but sex and cheaters. Ok I'm done, tend to ramble too much. I close with this quote I heard years ago. If it weren't for good old girls, there would be no good old boys! Have a great day, your still the best.(And my wife thinks so too!)

Posted by: jim So I take it you're not going to the wedding? Some guys are pigs!

Posted by: Filbert Location: Anytown, USA
Christine, good for you! Either he's looking for a mistress, doesn't want to get married and hopes to get caught, or may be of the sociopath personality type who doesn't give a crap about any body else 's feelings but his own. Sounds destructive (people in positions of power such as politicians or high level execs are common).

Posted by: Christine I got rid of the text messages later that weekend after showing a good friend of mine who also knows him.

Posted by: Jay Location: Portage
That was my other comment. He would deny everything, and this would turn into a he said/she said deal if you tried to contact his girlfriend. However, if you saved the text messages he sent you....(Did you?)

Posted by: Christine Hard to tell if he doesn't want to get married. I haven't had contact with him for 2 years so it was a surprise to me when he started to email and text me recently. When he and his girlfriend started dating, she told him she didn't want him to contact me even as a friend anymore. Maybe way back then she knew he was not the one woman kind of man. So... I know that if I told her, he would make up some lie like, "She still wants me" or something like that. If he doesn't want to get married, he shouldn't. It is that simple. The wedding is in July so he better figure out what he wants or can do. Trying to cheat on his fiancee or contacting a woman his fiancee does not want him to is not the way!!

Posted by: Filbert Location: Anytown, USA
Maybe he really doesn't want to get married and hopes to found out?

Posted by: Sandy Location: Madison
After reading Christine's last comment, I have to add this....... I also doubt she would do anything. Having been in love only once, I know how much love will make you believe, and want to believe, that your boyfriend can do no wrong. I believed my ex-boyfriend's line of crap so many times that I don't trust guys anymore. He cheated on me and I wanted so badly to believe he wasn't that I believed his ridiculous lies. It took me almost four months to realize the people who were telling me what he was doing knew the truth! I think she would marry him anyways, but it would hit her later when his nights out with the guys get longer and longer.

Posted by: Christine I have thought a lot about Don and Al's comments. They are both very different. If I did find this woman, I doubt she would do anything. I am sure there would be a big fight and she would still marry him. I just hope that other women out there also turn this guy down. If enough of us do, maybe he would get the hint that this behavior is just unacceptable.

Posted by: AL Location: Lake Delton
I think that one needs to follow their own inner self on what to do, and if you felt Ok with the way one handled things, then let that be your guild. I think what was done was a good choice, and then there are those who are out for something different. Being the worlds big sister is a very hard job, and I would think it would be very stressful too. I am on know one side here, for taking sides does not help at all. Speaking out about this I think is good so that others can learn the pit falls of relationships.

Posted by: Don Location: Arlinton
You SHOULD find her and tell her. I would hate to think the woman I was going to marry called an old ex for some "fun" and I wasn't told. I would dump her a** ASAP! If he is up to no good now I would bet ANY amount of money they aren't married five years from now. So you could save this lady a lot more heartache then down the road. After reading your stories I can see why I haven't remarried since my divorce five years ago. Hard to trust anyone!!

Posted by: Paula I hate cheaters for the collateral damage they cause in so many peoples lives! Every action effects so many people in relationships. The couple, the family, their kids, the extended family, the friends. Have the courage to just be honest. Everything we say and do affects us all. When I hurt someone, I am also hurting everyone that loves that person and myself. Save this woman by telling her if he doesn't have the courage to do it!

Posted by: Joan I've been there. It's not fun to have to try to figure out what's going wrong with your relationship. It can make you feel crazy. Checking up on someone, going thru pockets, tracking computer sites, following them in the car. It's awful. Cheaters are liars and liars can't be trusted with anything. No, you did not say enough or the right thing here. He obviously still loves you and wants to be with you. You owe it to him to tell him how you feel, if you are interested or not. He needs to break off his engagement regardless of your feelings for him. What I see happening is people get close to a marriage committment and realize better who they love and want to spend their life with. It happened to me a few times. I just couldn't see myself waking up next to that person for the rest of my life. I had doubts and I think your friend does too. He loves you and now the ball is in your court. Call him. Text him. Check this out. If you're not the one for him tell him not to settle

Posted by: robin Location: Madison
I hope his finance reads blogs! What a jerk! He probably will be cheating long after the marriage.

Posted by: Deeno Location: new glarus
If it were my fiance, boyfriend, or husband - I would want to know what was going on. I would hope my friends (or family) would tell me if they knew that my husband was up to no good. I would be upset if they withheld that information from me. I guess everyone is different, and ignorance is bliss for some. I am guessing you have your reasons for not telling her. I am thinking he will not be faithful to her through the marriage, but hopefully no physical or pschological harm will happen to her from his self serving needs.

Posted by: Rich Location: Middleton
Hee hee... great stories! I say that not out of disrespect for those involved, rather, for the interesting situations. This seems like solid proof that some people (men or women) just shouldn't marry. Some marriages work out, and that's great. However, is it any surprise so many other marriages end in divorce? Women and men are biologically programmed differently. Of the married people I know, both people in the marriage seemed to know very early on that they were meant to be together. Yeah, marriage is work, but it shouldn't be a massive struggle that involves "stake-outs". I also appreciate that you didn't lay full blame on the guys. Why do people get married?... probably to give stand-up comedians job security :)

Posted by: Christine Location: Yikes-ville
Hi Jay, without giving away too much, it was pretty clear what he was up to. He referred to things that a man about to get married should NOT be referring to with an old flame. Yikes!

Posted by: Jay Location: Portage
Man, you lead an interesting life! A couple of clarifications first....did he come right out and tell you what he wanted, or did you put 2 and 2 together? Just curious...it seems women are more sensitive about these things. It seems at times you can't have an innocent conversation with a woman without her assuming you're interested in her. (ego thing?)Anyway, women are just as scrupulous and don't care when they want to satisfy their urges too. You definitely should have said more, including how improper you thought the request was, not to mention the fact that he would have just used you. Can't stand people like that. I wonder if he got your point with your text?