| Do you go to an ex's family funeral?NBC15 Blog Listing | |||||
|
Recent Blog Topics
|
||||
Save
Email
Print
|
I got this e-mail and changed it a bit to make sure the person isn't identified. She really needs your help! Any advice would be appreciated:
"To make a long story short, my ex-husband's father has only has days to live. I feel it is important that when he does pass away, that I express my condolences. My fiancee says I should do nothing. He says it is not appropriate since we are no longer family. I have been told that when my fiancee's father died, his ex-wife went to the funeral and it created family problems for a number of years. Have you heard of anyone else with this same situation or can you point me in another direction?"
|
| Post Your Comments |
|
|
| Read Comments |
|
Posted by: Peter Location: Indy
My ex wife of 25 years made my life absolutely miserable as I tried to be a decent father to our children. Every interaction was at least strained if not hostility filled. She had the audacity to show up to both of my parent's funerals, and now recently at a dear uncle's. While she was embraced by some of my extended family in each case, I ignored her. Frankly this is getting to be too much. She made the decision 25 years ago to leave this family. She needs to move on. My new wife of 23 years is very uncomfortable and feels like my family's continued pandering of my ex makes her undervalued. I do not in any way support her ongoing meddling and wish she'd finally just go away. Posted by: Darlene Location: Florida What if an x brother-in-law dies, and the children of the x are extremely close to the deceased....but the deceased and the x had strong dislikes for each other....since the children are at the home of the deceased, should the father of the children show up unnanounced at the home to comfort his teenage daughters Posted by: Ron Location: Colorado Any respectful condolence through the use of flowers, cards and such would be acceptable, as long as, any message is meant to be genuinely caring. However, a funeral is not for the dead, it is for the living, all who attend, not just her. Whether to go should be based on her previous relationships with each of them. If there are any hard feelings, she would only be an irritant, and probably better to not attend. It is more important for her to consider others than herself, if she truly cares. Everything is not always about you. As one comment said, there is a reason someone became an ex. My ex was only tolerated by my family out of respect for me, when she divorced me, she lost that. Any wish to attend my sister's funeral, not ever being my sister's friend, was only meant to cause trouble. Posted by: sadly responding Location: Colorado I think it is appropriate to send condolences through flowers, cards and visiting other members of the family. The respect also need to lay with the living family members. I would not expect and want my ex-husband - whom did not get along with my father to attend his funeral. I believe that sometimes in life you need to step back and accept the situation that you are no longer a member of the family for a reason. If you did not have a good relationship with even one person in the family - why would you flant yourself around at a funeral - a please do not take a new girl friend, lover, etc. Please send cards, flower and present a memorial outside the setting of a funeral Posted by: Jenn Location: Indiana I am divorced from my kids' father, however, we were married for 20 years. I am now re-married. If my ex's parents were to pass away, I would pay my respects at the wake briefly and then leave. I might attend the funeral, but again, would stay in the background and leave discreetly. I wouldn't make any attempt to behave like "family" out of respect for my husband and my ex's 2nd wife. (She's his family now, not me.) Posted by: JaRs Location: Madison Go if you have feelings for that person. It will bring closure for you. Who cares what anyone else thinks. Posted by: Audrey Condolences can be expressed by sending a card. If that's her main concern, she should be satisified by sending a card. This way there is no chance of causing a commotion at the funeral. Posted by: Mary Location: Madison You've got to follow your heart ~ if you were close then go ~ Don't go if it's about the drama. Posted by: Paul Location: Sun Prairie I think going to the funeral is fine. Going to the reception afterwards is tacky and you would only be going for drama... Posted by: TlH Location: Madison It's absolutely appropriate to go. You divorced the man, not the in-laws. Posted by: Nicole Location: Lake Mills My parents got divorced when I was 1 year old and my dad and step-mom came to my grandma's wake. I was 21 when she passed away. No one said anything about him being there because we all still get along. My mom was happy that they came to support me in a hard time. Also when my cousin passed away from cancer 2 years ago he came to the house to see her the week before she passed and came to that wake also. My parents and my cousin were all in school together so he was very good friends with her. Again I really needed him there for outside the situation was wonderful. But he has always gotten along really well with my mom and her family after the divorce. I hope this helps some. Posted by: Cephus Location: Madison It appears the author of the email wishes to express sincere condolences to the family of her ex-father-in-law. Even after a divorce many people still have a relationship with the ex-in-laws or at least retain fond memories or concern for them. To attend the wake, visitation or funeral with humbleness and humility to offer condolences to the family shows concern and respect. As written, it also appears the author would like to have the chance to say goodbye to her ex-father-in-law. Many people do not receive the opportunity to say goodbye. It is just as important to say goodbye as it is to say hello, especially when one knows it will be for the last time. Dear Author, if your intentions are sincere, I believe you should offer your condolences to the family and say your goodbyes to your ex-father-in-law. I believe this is a visit you need to make by yourself and stay only to express your condolences, share a tear and say goodbye to the departed. God Bless Posted by: Brenda Location: Oregon I really do not understand the fuss! It's about the relationship between you and the deceased. No one complains if you go to a friends funeral that you've not seen or contacted in years... so why would this be different? They had a relationship, one close enough she or he is compelled to go and pay respects to someone they cared about that is no longer with us. What other people think doesn't matter... You hold your head high, and your loved one who has passed, will look from above and smile.. and be glad you were there! Posted by: Jon I think she should go, depending on her relationship with the man, and what I mean is, were they somewhat close while they were related? If yes, then go. I would probably run it by ex first to make sure he is ok with it, any awkwardness would initially come from him. Posted by: madman Location: madison When my grandfather died, my aunt/ex aunt invited herself to the funeral and made a big deal about walking down with the family at the church. It was a minor detail that day and still is to us atleast. I say if she had a close relationship with him then maybe ask a netural relative if it is ok to pay her respects. Posted by: Larry Location: Madison I think this woman should be allowed to express her condolences, especially if it's done in a tasteful way. Send a card and flowers and attend the wake or funeral. Have limited contact with the family members. Her fiancee's family had a bad experience? Hey, that happens! That doesn't mean that she -- or anyone else in the same situation -- should be denied the right to express his/her condolences. If she listens to her fiancee and not her conscience, she'll regret it. Her fiancee seems a tad controlling as well as insecure. Any family that has problems for YEARS because of an ex-wife attending a funeral, is a family I'd want to learn more about before I say "I do" for the second (?) time. Posted by: Been there Location: Done that It was uncomfortable for me to be at my ex's family funeral. I think the best way is to send a sympathy card to the ex and family. One of my friends went to her ex boyfriend's mother's funeral and the ex's wife got nervous with my friend being there. So just send a card. Good luck! Posted by: A Location: Madison, WI My parents were only married for maybe 5 years and were long divorced when my dad's dad died, but my mom still stopped at the wake. She didn't stay long, or attend the service, she just paid her respects and gave her condolences and then left. At the very least, send a nice card. I wouldn't "do nothing," especially if she feels it's important. |
 |
Weather Authority
Watch your local weather 24/7. |
 |
|
 |
News Links
Looking for something you saw on NBC 15? Find it here. |
|
|
 |
Double Dollar Deals
Experience our area's best restaurants at a Half-Off price. |
|
|
 |
Golf Double Dollar Deals
Experience our area's best golf courses at a Half-Off price. |
|
|
 |
Family Double Dollar Deals
Experience our area's best businesses at a Half-Off price. |
|
|
 |
What's On?
Click here to see our program guide. |
|
|
 |
Perfect Home
Find out how to make your perfect home. |
|
|
 |
The Health Professional
Find answers to your health questions. |
|
|
 |
Madison's Biggest Loser
Click here! Find out how you can sign up and change your life! |
|
|
