Posted Thursday, November 20, 2008 --- 10:00 p.m.

This is how most family and friends know three and a half year old Gabe Frank: A sweet, energetic boy who loves cars.

But Gabe throws tantrums that his parents see almost every day.

Mom, Daphne, says "Having us do anything for him... is not a good thing right now. He wants to do everything himself."

Daphne is a stay-at-home mom. Dan is a doctor-in-training at UW Hospital. They're at a loss when it comes to Gabe's tantrums.

"Gabe's are pretty bad" Daphne says. "He hits, he throws himself on the ground and kicks and throws things at us and sometimes hits Dan. Most times, hits Dan." Dan says "Usually it starts with something he gets frustrated and you can kind of see it building and then you realize it gets to a point... you reach a breaking point."

Enter Doctor Jocelyn Miller, a Pediatric Psychologist with Dean Health.

"Most parents in today's society need to be stricter than they are. And that means intervening sooner in bad behavior and more consistently. "

Dr. Miller doesn't know Dan and Daphne but she does have specific advice for them and all parents.

She says five is the magic number. If you don't have your kids under control by then, she says you'll pay the price.

Dr. Miller says "If they have learned that authority is inconsistent... that they can get around it ... that negative attention-seeking behaviors work, they are pretty much set at age five. If you're listening to this and thinking 'oh no! My child is over 5 and they don't have the healthy fear and they're very defiant,' it's not too late. "

So doctor Miller's rules apply to kids of all ages.

First, when your child is losing it, Doctor Miller says empathize and repeat "I see that you're angry. You're showing daddy that you're angry, wow what an angry boy you are."

Second, create structure. Verbally, by telling them exactly what is and isn't acceptable. Even physically. "Grab your child by the arm and direct them where to go."

She also recommends all parents take a few weeks to observe their child. Log each tantrum - what happens before and after - because there are two kinds. Emotional melt-downs and manipulations.

The meltdowns can be solved by something as simple as food, sleep or a break.

"You can have a kid who goes to grandma and grandpa's house for Christmas and has a tantrum because it's too much. Too many people, too much new stuff, too much excitement." Again, with an emotional meltdown, feed them, put them to bed or just chill out.

The second type of tantrum, manipulative, is like a faucet that can quickly be turned on or off.

Dr. Miller says, "There won't be that after tantrum... still a little weepy type phase." At that point, Doctor Miller says always try to walk away! Too many parents forget to try this first. "Removing parental attention which accomplishes the same thing as a time out in many ways but it can be less conflictual. " Or if it's severe, head straight to time out. Even if you're in public. "Put down everything and march right out," she says.

Back at Dan and Daphne's house, the couple struggles with Gabe's "Mommy Only" demands.

His dad, Dan says, "I'll want to read him a book, give Daphne a little time to herself... nope, mommy's doing it."

(Sound of Gabe saying "no no no mommy mommy mommy no it's mommy's turn!.") This is certainly inconvenient, but it is also hurtful. After a long day at the hospital, or a whole day on call, Dan wants his precious time at home to be just that.

Mom, Daphne, says, "I wonder if me being at work all day long if that impacts or has anything to do with his attitude towards me. I'm sure Gabe feels it because his daddy's not around. But I don't know if that is what's causing the friction.. not friction but the attitude."

Because Dan isn't around 24-7, Daphne does most of the disciplining.
But she feels overwhelmed. And doctor Miller says it's a bad idea.

"Dad needs to understand that quality time is still quality time and that part of his job as a father right now is to create the expectations that you will behave and you will follow house rules whether it's mommy taking care of you or daddy taking care of you." She encourages parents to use the concept of off duty. And you can be off duty by being out of the room or out of the house. Same with bedtime. "You better get what you need from mom by eight o'clock," says Dr. Miller. "Because mom's off duty at eight o'clock and the door's closing and that's it. " Dr. Miller makes it sound easy but wants to be clear, this takes time.

"Those of us who respect authority and have done well in adult life will most likely realize that we had healthy fear for our parents when we were children," she says. "We loved our parents but we knew when to cut it out. We knew the look, we knew the tone of voice , and we knew when something bad was coming. And we stopped!

Dr. Miller says today's parents aren't tough enough for two reasons.

The first is serious guilt about being away. "Our dad in question is clearly feeling guilty for being a physician and for how that in his mind interferes with family life. "

The second is divorce. Dr. Miller says, "A lot of parents are children of divorce themselves, and they were raised with inconsistent authority and structure and discipline. So they don't have it internally."

The last but probably most important thing you can do to give your child respect is reward them for the good stuff. Even promise it ahead of time.

"Most parents spend too much time thinking about punishment and consequences for the negative... rather than how to build the positive and how to use reinforcement and incentives."

That's one area Dan and Daphne are already succeeding in. They make sure Gabe gets his favorite things for good behavior.

Doctor Miller wanted us to emphasize that the definition of success with young children is not whether bad behavior stops, but whether it resolves itself more quickly. She says if your child has really unmanageable outbursts more than 3 days a week it doesn't hurt to get some professional help. Dr. Miller says there's a lot she and her colleagues can do in a few sessions .... for parenting skills that can last a lifetime. There are two books she recommends for starters under "newslinks."

In addition, Dr. Miller runs a parenting group through Dean Health, and a new session is just around the corner. It's not just for children with diagnosed behavioral problems, either. For more information call the Dean Sun Prairie Clinic. That number is also under newslinks.